My problem with hot women

Claire:

Find a woman with the same values as you.

Simple.

Charlie:

Quite the quandary, yes? The trouble with most dirty minded girls is that they don't typically have Christian values. The trouble with most Christian girls is that they aren't dirty minded.

Yet. I guess it's up to you to bring out the vixen in your virtuous woman.

No pressure.

David Barrett:

Claire: That sounds simple, but isn't. Are you saying that, if I am in a bar, I should fight my natural urge to go and talk to attractive women?

And if not, the problem still remains. I am bound to get myself into a situation where I'll have to mention this, so how should I approach it? It's obvious that it's not something I should hide or avoid.

Or are you saying I should make sure a girl is Christian before I approach her? Sounds a bit shit to me, and I'm pretty sure you think it's stupid too. A blanket ban on dating non-Christians is retarded.

Charlie: Only some Christian girls... but I don't like the uber-prudes, so it isn't a problem. I've also met only a few of these... most Christian girls I've met aren't this silly.

Mike:

Firstly, I admire your desire to stick to your values. Keep it up! ...figuratively speaking.

I held those same values, and held out for marriage. What an amazing reward! I, too, had the same anxieties you express, and still do on occasion. I've learned that my performance is immaterial to the relationship. She just wants to be close, to be loved, and enjoy you. Sounds cheesy, but it is sooo true. The media will tell you otherwise (commercials for ED pills, Enzyte, movies, TV shows, etc, etc.). Sex is more pervasive now than ever.

I used to be opposed to finding respectable women in bars, but in reality, you'll find all kinds of people there. I know plenty of dedicated Christian friends that have no qualms about having a beer and enjoying the bar atmosphere on occasion. It's all about perspective. Not everyone in a bar is there to do a Jimmy Buffett. And despite her wild heart, she will respect you greatly, knowing that you didn't ask her out just to get in her pants. You want a relationship and love, not a trophy.

Claire:

Newsflash: it's very unlikely you're going to meet the woman of your dreams in a bar.

Talk to anyone you like. I didn't suggest a blanket ban on non-Christian/Christian dating (eh, look at my own life). And there's no need to tell somebody on the first night you meet them that you're not up for a shag. It's none of their business, like. Why do you assume you have to bring it up? Not everybody in a bar is after a one night stand.

Stop trying to be some kind of weird stud/anti-stud and chill out. You sound like you're quite hoping some woman will come along and seduce you and you just simply won't be able to resist. If you're so worried about your "purity" then think hard about the kind of woman you want to get into a relationship with.

Anonymous:

Five simple words: 'It's not me, it's you'.

Take it easy on yourself, man, and make this one her problem. She's too fat/ugly/conservative/flatulent for YOU to want to sleep with HER.

Men have so much bullshit sex-related anxiety foisted on them by the media that it's only fair that the woman should have to carry some of the burden too.
It's high time we took back some of the power and got about doing what we do best: making women feel bad about themselves.

Sona:

just because you cant have sex before marriage doesn't mean that every non-christian girl is going to run the minute she hears that. we're not all the sex fiends that we're made out to be. as a non-christian myself, i'd like to think that if i liked or loved someone enough, i'd be more than willing to wait

David Barrett:

Sona: If I was not a Christian, I don't think I could wait. Well, that's not entirely true; but I would be incredibly pissed off, not at my girlfriend but at the situation we were in. (Frustrated might be a better word to use, but I don't think it's a strong enough description).

Heck, I know if I end in a relationship I'll feel this frustration anyway. I actually don't know which would be more frustrating; being a Christian involved with a Christian, or if I were a non-Christian involved with a Christian.

So, I'm not making out non-Christians to be sex-fiends... I just know what I'd be like if I weren't a Christian. If you want to call that a sex-fiend, I'll go and make a t-shirt :)

Caoimhe:

Hey,

Interesting that you say you know from experience that it's not the type of thing a girl wants to hear, does this mean you've had a bad reaction before??

These things just come up as people get to know oneanother I guess. I imagine that if she was getting to know you then it would become obvious fairly quickly that your faith is important to you and to be honest she would probably see it coming.

It wouldn't suit everyone, it's really hard as a non virgin to imagine how I would cope with meeting someone I really liked but for whom this was such an important issue. At first I know it would be admirable and I wouldn't consider it a problem however longterm I can imagine issues arising and I would find myself finding it hard to be on my best behaviour with someone I was both in love with and attracted to. The ideal I guess is to meet someone who shares the commitment you have made but I understand thats easier said than done.

As for pubs, you should be able to approach whoever you like. Conversations re: your sex life (or lack thereof) are not, or should not, be comming up while chatting to cute girls in Sosume! ;o)

Des:

Dave, I think Claire Is right. I get the impression you are quietly hoping to be put in a position were you simply can't resist the temptation, and will bed some amazing looking girl. (then you will be down with the rest of us hedonists! :)

It is a tough question though, whilst Caoimhe and Sona are correct that you shouldn't be telling people that you are Christian (and therefore need marriage before sex) on the first night you meet them, many girls would be upset if you started seeing them and then two months down the road you let her know that you need marriage before sex.

In reality, they would realise you are Christian sooner than that (you would probably mention it quickly enough), but they would probably think that there is still a chance of some sex.

Claire does seem to be simplifying the situation somewhat by saying "find someone with similar values to yourself" , because there are two problems here from what I can see...
1) You want to have sex with a girl. (as you said, its a pain in the sack not getting any)

2) You don't want to compromise your values.

Basically Claires answer amounts to "go get married" which I have been led to believe is certainly harder than it sounds.

Also, I don't see why a bar is worse than anywhere else for finding "girl of your dreams". I know people who met in bars and are now married, or getting there quickly. Granted they are not Christian, but I doubt that matters.

Kevin:

Dave,
listen to Claire. Give up the stud/anti-stud dilemma and just get on with life. Should a girl come along you fancy and who makes you laugh, ask her out. Even if you meet her in church or at a scriptual interpretation conference or a worship-through-dancing-with-chairs seminar or whatever the loose cannons at Core are doing. ;)

She doesn't have to be a dirrty roide from Sosume or RacistQ Bar to turn you on. Or at least at first- these things develop over the course of a relationship as trust builds up.

Now if that girl goes out on a date with you and you buy her a chocolate malt and she finishes it (instead of pretending to enjoy chocolate malt while really starving herself like a BOP fuckhead) and a relationship develops, then and only then need you take out the virginity clause and show it to her.

Its really quite simple after that. Stand by your principles. If you fall, accept the mistake and stand by your principles again. Eventually you will be in a relationship long enough to make marriage an inevitability and then a few years later both of you will be jaded, a bit heavier, laden down with consumer products purchased in an effort to fill the void caused by a loveless union and well on the way to ruining some kids lives by bringing them into the affection wasteland you call home.

Hope that helps,
Kevin

Claire, the Oracle:

I'm not saying go get married; I'm saying that in your hunt for your sperm receptacle :) that you should seek a woman with similar values. Sorry if I over-simplified.

I'm not saying that if you fall for a chick with dissimilar values you should ditch her; the reality is that if you and some chick fall in love with each other, Christian or not, you will want to have sex. BUT, if you both have similar values and understand the other's struggle, then when you fall you can help each other up again, and when one is feeling particularly weak the other can be strong.

David Barrett:

Des:
Claire's advice isn't "go get married"; I read it more as "cop the fuck on". I don't think the advice "go get married" is useful at all for someone in my situation.

I've noticed that the fact that I'm a Christian tends to come up natuarally in conversation; it's not something I can or should avoid. Thing is, a lot of the people in this country have a different idea of the meaning of this word than I do.

Kevin:
The most recent thing they had in Core was a cross between a techno dance tent and a communion service. This is no lie.

And you seem to have this crazy idea that I'll ruin the lives of my future children accidentally. How many times have I told you my plans for ruining their lives? Rest assured, their lives will be ruined by my earnest efforts, hopefully aided by a "good cop" wife (two bad cops doesn't work as well, but if she can't do "good cop" it'll have to do).

Des:

Well "Cop the Fuck On" is definitely rock solid advice here. Applause to Mrs H for that. The stud/anti-stud thing is good for gags etc, but it gets annoying when we are out and you can't take your eyes off girls on the dancefloor.

The fact that you are a Christian does come up a bit in conversation, and the real problem is that most people have one of the two incorrect interpretations of it (in my experience)

a) "You're Christian, yeah me too, my ma brought me up a Catholic, but to be honest I haven't been to church in about 9 years ya know". (People who confuse Christianity with the "religion" that is inherited by default in Ireland)

b) "You're a FUNDAMENTAL CHRISTIAN??? OMG!!! , You must have like NOOO life at ALL" ( People who think they understand, JK JK JK etc)

So I think simply telling a girl you are Christian will not get the point across. She will probably think that you're just an Irish lad who still goes to mass.
So what do you tell her, and when? That is the difficulty, and in many ways that is why it would be soo much easier to go out with someone from church, or certainly as Kevin said, someone you met at a Christian event.
It avoids this issue that you will have with all the dirty roides from SoSume/Q-Bar/Viper Room/Renards/Doyles etc.

So piss off and marry a Christian :), it seems unlikely that anything else can happen.
You can either find a nice girl and convert her to Christianity, or go for the "here's one we made earlier" approach.

I now realise that Claire was right, bar and club hopping is like window shopping for you, realistically you can't successfully sustain a relationship with a non-Christian, so deal with it and start church-hopping instead ;)

(you are still of course welcome to join me for nights in town)

Claire:

Dave, I think you got the crux of my message; you summarised it for me very nicely with the eloquent phrase "cop the fuck on".

However, it is advice meant with love: you worry too much about this stuff. You are a very interesting person with a lot to offer a woman and it's going to happen for you eventually. Believe it. Additional generic advice here.

:)

PS - Des, I kept my name so I'm not Mrs. H. I think technically it works out as Ms. G (pronounced MIZZ) which is probably the worst option of them all.

Kevin:

Claire, are you having an affar with the "interesting lot to offer" Dave?

You bastard bitchface! When will this ceaseless cuckolding of me cease?

David Barrett:

Claire:
Yes, a loving "cop the fuck on". It's not like you were threatening to get the sledgehammer and the two-by-four out.

Kevin:
I wouldn't be too worried... the "interesting lot [that I have] to offer" is pretty much a Mars bar and a bag of crisps. And they're poxy "Ready Salted" at that.

Dan:

Heh, I've faced the same delimma. Something on the lines of Christian nymphomaniac would fill the bill quite nicely, but most of those either abandoned the churches or feel so guilty about sexuality in general that they're continually trying to hide or remove their horny tendancies. I'm firmly convinced there are Christian women just as up for it as us guys, and trying to wait as well, but they aren't exactly advertising it, for obvious reasons, either because they don't want to be taken advantage of or considered sinful.

It's an odd puzzle, and one that I think a more progressive Christian dating internet service should take into account. I've considered online personals, but frankly, most of the Christian services wouldn't let me be plain as to what I'm looking for. Perhaps I could sneak the word "sensual" in.. ;) It wouldn't have to be explicit, you could have hidden variables in the application such as "ideal frequency" and "willingness to experiment" being factors in the matchup, invisible of course to the other party so you'd avoid the pervs who were after nothing more than a hook-up. Ah well, just some thoughts.

Katherine Kenny:

Would you ever update yer blog, I want to hear more.