Any future kids of mine are screwed

On Tuesday, on my way home from Dublin, I bumped into my friend Jen. We got off the bus early and, taking a back route through our local park, walked the rest of the way.

Somehow we started talking about how Jen's descendants would see her. I told her that, though any future children of hers would probably be well adjusted and have a fine opinion of her, her grandchildren would think she was insane. In many of Jen's more endearing habits they would, incorrectly, see warning signs of senility.

I'm not too worried about my own grandchildren. I'm certain that they will see me as noble, wise and patient; a man to respect. But I can see them saying to their parents, as they drive home from one of their visits, Grand-dad is a great, isn't he?. And whichever one of their parents who is my child will turn to them and say No, grand-dad is a psycho.

Here's why:

My first son

Have pity on my first son. He does not exist yet, and may never exist, but even the idea of my first son is to be pitied.

Assuming his mother agrees, he will be called Nathan. There are three reasons for naming him Nathan; the first is that I do genuinely like the name. Second, is that Claire hates it. She would be made godmother, and so be forced to use that name again and again.

The third is that in the novel that I am slowly writing, there's a character called Nathan Bright. Sounds a lot like Nathan Barrett, doesn't it?

I will keep a close eye on Nathan's actions as he grows up. Every time he acts out of line with the character of Nathan Bright, he will be told with a calm and firm voice: That's not what Nathan Bright would do. I expect that over time this attempt to mould him into someone he is not will make him angry. He will probably shout back at me But I'm not Nathan Bright!. This leads us onto punishment.

Punishment

Traditionally, parents punish their children using a variety of means. Some use corporal punishment, lightly striking their children. Others deprive their children of treats or ground their children. These parents suffer from a severe lack of imagination. As my sole means of punishment, I will make use of the velcro wall.

The concept is simple. Lift the child, and press them lightly against the wall. They will become stuck in place; they can be stored like this for as long as their misdeeds demand.

My grandchildren

I said previously that my grandchildren will think only good of me. This seems at odds with how I plan to treat my children, but it isn't. What better way of screwing up my childrens lives is there than making their own children believe they are a pack of liars? I shall play my character well.

Conclusion

As you can see, any future kids of mine are screwed. I haven't even mentioned sending them down the mine.